I was among the first person to know that my mother had breast cancer. I was 16 at the time. I was a young overly ambitious kid that wanted to get all As, and wanted to do good in school just like any typical secondary school kid. I remember crying whenever my mom made me wait because I could have used that time to study. I was at that level of addicted to study. Look at me now, studying engineering, a field I majored in, is not my first agenda. I was so selfish that I was mad at my mother for telling me about it but not the others. I felt like the pressure is all on me and I cannot focus on my study. Such a brat. I remember I started to take my religion seriously and went to almost all the Kuliah at the Masjid to learn my deen. I started to put on hijab and behave differently. I do not really have a social life by choice and my mother was the only person I would really talk and listen to.
My mother is a strong careered woman. She was always positive, independent, strong, busy and society-centered. But then, she decided to leave her career to take care of her husband and children and to devote herself more in learning Islam. Which is why, it was easy for me to stay consistent in my journey of being a better Muslim. The moment she told me she had cancer, I was positive. I told her how after every sunset, the sun will rise. When I reached 19, her condition got worse, and instead of worrying, I stayed positive and did not want her to be weak. The thing is, she was already so weak. It was hard for me to see my mother changed from a bright strong woman, to someone who suddenly became so clingy. I told no one about this because my mother, herself, do not want anyone to know. I told her to go to the hospital but she said if she went for surgery, everything will change.
Every night was a battle. I woke up every morning thanking God that my mom is still alive because every night, the pain accelerated and she looked like she will passed away on that very time. This when on for months. & Allah by His mercy, made us all three siblings took care of her because it happened when I was having my three months break from university. I told my mother "Why don't you record your journey on surviving cancer?" with a mindset she will survive.
Mama on Nikmat Sakit - here is a link to my soundcloud where I made my mother talk about her view on having cancer (excuse my not usual gedik voice, it only happened when I am with my parents).
Day by day, she lost her ability to move around. I had to hold her to the toilet, to take wudhu, to do everything. That was when I thought, I need to do this or I will regret my whole life. When I was taking her to the toilet, her arms were around my body and she suddenly cried saying "Why is my daughter so skinny? Mama tak bagi makan ke". I ignored as I did not want to feel sad. As I was washing her feet, she thanks me all the time and then said "bagusnya anak mama, I raised you right". I swear to God, that was the happiest moment in my life, washing her feet, where my paradise lies on. Usually, I will take a part time job on a long holiday. I was contemplating on how I spent my holiday and told my mother that I am sad that I wasted my holiday doing nothing. She then convinced me "Taking care of your mother is not doing nothing."
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| Friends who accompanied me to the Hospital to celebrate Mama's 53rd's birthday. |
After that three months, it was time for me to go back to uni. I told her to take all the medicine and everything. She said, don't worry just go. Not long after that, she was admitted to Hospital. Everyone in the family now knew she had cancer. Mak Long was so nice to come from Kedah and helped us to take care of our mother since my lil sis was in school, & baba need to take care of her and work and Liyana was in college. Yana then decided to drop subjects so that she can take care of Mama. She was 23 and her nikaah day was getting near. As Ramadhan started, me, with my shallow understanding of Islam, chose to do taraweeh over taking care of my mother. I swear I did not understand this religion enough for acting that way. My father then told me, taking care of Mama was the priority at the time. I was having exams, MUET, and everything happened at the same time. I came once in awhile to clip her nails and to just talk to her. Saving all the stories for later, she then passed away on the night of 18th Ramadhan. I was lucky I did not sleep after Fajr and got a call from my sister saying my mother had lost conscious and it happened on Nuzul Quran so it was holiday. I picked a random page of the Quran & I remember it was a verse where Allah said, "Apabila sudah sampai masanya, Allah pasti akan menepati janji". I then whispered to my mom's ear saying how I am sorry for everything & I promised to learn the Quran just like how she wanted. She, in her unconscious state, shed a tear. After few solat hajat, and as we reached Maghrib and passed Iftar. Her heart beat got slower, everyone in the room cried and that was when I prayed, "If to live is better for her, then cure her, if death is better, then take her". That was when I saw my father sobbing, crying for the first time in my life.
I heard a ceramah, where the Ustaz mentioned, you are not truly tested as a child, until one of your parents is bedridden. Losing the Barakah of a mother is real. Things that used to be easy is now an almost impossible thing to do. I am weak, that I lost my motivation to do things now that she is not around. But to most people, I am strong and can get through life. Little do they know, I cried every night that my head feels like it is going to explode anytime because it was that intense. But I pray to God, that this mellow feeling inside my heart, will not go away. Because it is one of the feeling that makes me wanted to be better and keep her spirit inside me.
Last but not least, thanks to Atik, I write again. 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌 Au revoir et a plus tard!
